I always thought it’d be fun to be a Weight Watchers Leader.  I am a trainer by trade, and actually enjoy public speaking.  My current job is more managerial and design oriented rather than actual training, and I miss getting up and engaging a crowd.  So, when there was a Weight Watchers orientation meeting for prospective new employees, I jumped at the chance, even though I am more than fully employed as it is between my full time job, my family, and volunteering.

Alas, despite losing 116 lbs, I don’t qualify.  It appears that the goal I set with my doctor counts as far as becoming a lifetime member at WW, but not for being a leader.  For that, you need to be within the normal BMI range for your height, and I’m still 15 lbs away from that.

Disappointing?  A little.  Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how I would fit in being a Leader with my other “jobs.”  As it turns out, a change in my husband’s schedule would have made it impossible anyway.

And people want to see a skinny Leader.  They are there to lose weight.  That’s why I joined, too.  But I gained a lot more than just losing weight, and I have more to contribute, too.  It’s so hard to make positive changes in your life when you’re beating yourself up.  What I’d most like to share is how people can keep a healthy attitude toward themselves-to appreciate themselves-no matter their size-even as they strive to make changes.

Will I get down to my BMI weight eventually?  Probably.  I’m not too worried about it.  Will I be a Leader one day?  Maybe.  But my life is full to bursting as it is, and I’m fortunate to have a day job so I don’t need it.

In the meantime, I’ll try being a virtual leader, online.

No, I haven’t been writing lately, because I didn’t have anything to say.  I felt that I had already reached my bigger goal, that of living the life I wanted to live.  So if that was the case, why did I continue with Weight Watchers?

Honestly, I don’t know.  Stubborn?  Crazy?  Why keep paying when from what I could see nothing was changing, and I didn’t really care that much if it did?

One thing that staying on the program gave me was the support and tools to stay where I was at.  Like pretty much everyone, I have been extremely successful at losing weight in the past.  I had also been expert at regaining it.  I have been happy where I’ve been, and if nothing else wanted to stay there.  I am a creature of habit, and my weekly meeting is a good habit.

A few things have changed for me recently that have contributed to achieving this goal.  One is I’ve taken up yoga.  I know those who are serious about exercise as a means of burning calories pooh pooh yoga because it doesn’t burn as many calories as more intense exercise.  What yoga has given me is the ability to focus on what is going on in my body and to understand it better.  I’ve learned to appreciate my strengths and weaknesses, and to look at both in the spirit of “huh, that’s interesting!” as opposed to something I want to change or fix.  I’ve learned I’m really good at twists, and very bad at one leg balances like tree pose.  Huh, that’s interesting!

Yoga has given me another means of quieting all those chattering voices in my head.  For me it’s moving meditation, a focus on my body and my breath.  The shitty committee in my head gets to take a break.

Another thing that’s made a change for me is the new PointsPlus program from Weight Watchers.  I have done it sporadically, I confess.  Yes, you get more points, but my favorite dishes were more points!  My little cup of lentils was 5 points!  And the cup of rice I put it on?  ANOTHER 5 points!  WTF?!

The new program made me realize that although all my carbs were the good kind, I was still eating too much of them. I’ve cut back on the cup of rice to a half.

The biggest thing that’s changed, though, is how I see myself.  Some time ago, after I initially lost a hundred pounds, I was in a department store with my kids and saw a strange person in a mirror holding their hands.  I was surprised to realize that was me!  Many people had told me they didn’t recognize me, and apparently I didn’t recognize myself.

Cut to about six weeks ago.  I had a dream where I was seeing myself in the mirror, but it wasn’t my current face; it was my face from four years ago.  I was startled, and thought “that’s not me.”  And it was me, but it isn’t anymore.  I think that dream was the moment when I was able to finally embrace the face I have now.

Since then, I’ve found it a lot easier to eat just until I’m full.  I eat, I see if I’m still hungry, and if I am, great!  I eat some more.  If I’m not, then ok!  Sounds easy, you’ve heard it a million times, but I guess it takes a lot of practice.

So now that I’ve made my goal, will I be writing more?  I don’t know!  I have the Weight Watchers 6 week maintenance program to go through, and I’m trying not to be too overconfident about it.  There’s a lot more my body has to teach me yet.

And this goal isn’t the end.  It never was.

Because I wanted a letter for Weight Watchers saying my current weight was the right one for me, so I could go on maintenance.  I’m on maintenance anyway at this point.

But alas, my doctor confounded my plans with science.  Saying it was great I’m no longer in the obese category, but that every pound I carry above my BMI has been clinically shown to increase health risk, if only for more risk of injury from a fall.  He said he would write me a letter for Weight Watchers but was very down on the idea.

I suppose I should have been more forceful and emphasized this was for Weight Watchers… so I could go on maintenance.  I’ve been going (and paying my 40 bucks) for 2 and a half years, and it’s been very successful for me.  Hell, I’ve lost 110+ pounds on Weight Watchers.

Maybe I should just quit the program at this point, since I think I’ve gotten what I’m going to get out of it.

Sigh.

I’m tired of forever losing.

But what of those people who don’t believe they need health insurance because they don’t need health care?  In a recent article in the Contra Costa Times, a Danville couple maintains they don’t need insurance because hey, they’re healthy.  In the past five years, Lori and Gordon Townsend haven’t seen a doctor, and they see no reason why they should support people who do:

Gordon says he lost 30 pounds and brought down his blood pressure by using the nutritional supplements he now sells. Lori says she lost 25 pounds and solved her thyroid problems.

The couple said they see no reason why they should have to subsidize people who are obese, are chain smokers or who make other bad health decisions.

“People expect that they have a right to health care in the form of subsidized medical services, but they need to perceive that they have a personal responsibility to control their own portion of that cost,” Gordon said.

What about those people who make the bad health decisions to get injured or get cancer?  What if that happens to them?  “We’re going to play the odds and not focus on that,” he said. “We’ve simply decided to accept that risk, because it’s minor.”

So there you go.  Health insurance, and by extension health care, is for the fatties and the smokers.  By losing weight, they’ve inoculated themselves against injury and disease.  And the risk of cancer or other chronic illness?  By accepting the risk, do they also plan to go bankrupt to provide their own care?  Do they plan to forgo health care if they can’t afford it?  Or will they ask all of the irresponsible fatties and smokers and others who make bad health decisions to help them when times are tough?  Maybe they’ll just take more of those nutritional supplements that they sell.

Losing weight can improve many people’s health.

But weight loss is not a magic bullet.  Yes, fat people will get sick and die.  But so will thin people.  More smokers get lung cancer than non-smokers, but non-smokers get lung cancer, too.  Certainly, we should do everything we can to be and stay healthy.  But let’s not delude ourselves that misfortune is reserved for those who make “bad health decisions.” 

And let’s not blame people who get sick or develop chronic conditions.  We are all fallible humans and we will all die one day.  And as human beings, we should support one another, if for no other reason than because we’ll need that support, too.

Strangely enough, my mother didn’t limit our candy consumption; perhaps she was going by the theory that you let them eat as much as they want and they’ll get sick of it.  HAH!  Maybe I did have a tolerance level, but I never managed to hit it.

My candy was gone within days.  First the fun sized chocolates, next the miniature chocolates.  Next, the pseudo chocolates (Milk Duds).  Finally we got down to the crappy candy like Nekkos and Smarties.  Even though I didn’t really like them, I ate them anyway.

Then I tried to mooch from my sister, who of course ate candy like a sensible person.  It didn’t seem that sensible to me, because if I didn’t get into it, the dog would.  What a waste, or so I thought at the time.

N9wadays, I’m not so scared of the costumes, unless you count being scared by how much I’m going to spend on my kids’ costumes (yikes!).  I’m not scared of the bigger kids stealing my candy, but of them putting out awesome candy on their desks.  And am I going to be one of those moms who steals candy from her kids’ stash?  Um…. I plead the fifth.

How bad is all that candy?  Hungry Girl has a great list of the calories/point values of all your Halloween treats, from blechy smarties to miniature chocolates to fun sized.  Who knew that a Reese’s peanut butter pumpkin had 4 points?!?

What’s your strategy for Halloween?

But I found a pair of running shoes at a local store on sale (hooray!) but still very expensive (boo!) and felt if I was going to spend that much money on shoes I should give them a go.

The route I run generally has lots of garbage from the local high school; I could probably make a buck or two picking up the cans they leave around.  But this time, I found twenty five dollars just lying on the ground near a Funyons bag.  No claimants around, so those dollars offset my shoe indulgence.

So, even when you’re slow, it can pay to run!

Needless to say, I’ve never been into the fasting thing.  When I was nursing the boys, I had a good reason not to (you’re not supposed to fast when you are pregnant or nursing).  But they’ve been weaned for a few years now, so I no longer have that as an excuse reason.

This year, my husband Joel decided he would fast.  And so I decided I was going to fast, too.

Sort of.

The more I thought about fasting, the more I realized how anxious just the idea made me.  Even contemplating a liquids-only fast made me antsy. I had coffee that morning because I reasoned that if I didn’t have my caffeine I’d just be headachy and hungry and cranky.  At least with coffee, I’d eliminate the headache part.

But along came 2 pm, and I gave in.  I suppose if I were more religious I would have been more committed and stuck with it; I’d probably also still be at temple, too, where there was no temptation.

Still, I realized that I am genuinely afraid of being hungry-when I live in a land where it’s nearly impossible to avoid food.  When I have enough in the pantry and in my booty to last me many weeks.

You’d think after losing 112 lbs I’d have plenty of practice with being hungry, but I’ve worked hard to ensure I’m never truly hungry by planning obsessively, and drinking coffee and green tea when I think I’m getting hungry.  Then there is the massive amount of gum I’ve been chewing, my pacifier.

Today, I’m practicing being hungry.  I had a large lunch: soup, green salad and spelt salad.  I had a big breakfast, too.  I was “hungry” two and a half hours after eating lunch.

I’m letting myself experience that hunger.  And I’m working on telling myself it’s ok to be hungry.  I’ll let you know if it works.

Chewing gum means:

1. My breath is always minty fresh
2. I’m not eating food I shouldn’t be
3. My jaws hurt at the end of the day

Something David Kessler mentions in The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite
was how we sometimes need to replace a deleterious habit with a better one.  Certainly, chewing gum is a better habit than stuffing my face with food.

Humans are incredibly oral. A huge amount of the brain’s real estate is dedicated to the lips and tongue.  When we are babies, the mouth is our connection to our mothers and we are soothed when something is put in our mouths.    As adults, we still tend to soothe ourselves orally: if not with food, then with gum, a pencil, a cigarette.

So if you feel like eating, try chewing on something (I don’t recommend a cigarette).

As I’ve lost weight, I’ve been incorporating more and more whole foods, and have been slowly reducing the sweets.  I think the bread and white rice that were also big favorites back in the day were triggering sugar cravings and binges. I eat very little food with added sugar nowadays.

So I’m not surprised that the average american eats the the equivalent of 22 teaspoons of added sugar a day. mostly from soft drinks and candy, adding an additional 355 calories to their diets.  Women should eat no more than 6 teaspoons, according to the American Heart Association, and men no more than 9.

If you eat them, removing soft drinks and candy bars as a way to reduce your sugar intake is a good place to start.  But how many of us know how much sugar is in the food we eat?

It isn’t easy to know.  Nutrition labels tell us a lot, but they don’t separate out the amount of natural sugars in food and the added sugars, and it’s those added sugars we need to watch out for.  And nutrition labels give you amounts in grams.  I can’t really envision a gram (damn that metric system), so it helps me to know that 5 grams=1 teaspoon.

Sure, we know that doughnut has lots of added sugar, but you’d be surprised where else it shows up.  Frozen foods, for example.  You have to read the ingredient list to know what’s really in there, and you may feel like you need a degree in chemistry to figure it out.

The Harvard School of Public Health recommends in this article that sugar not be in the first 3 ingredients (I would say 5, if at all), and provides this list of sneaky sugars:

• Agave nectar (yes, it’s a sugar!)
• Brown sugar
• Cane crystals
• Cane sugar
• Corn sweetener
• Corn syrup
• Crystalline fructose
• Dextrose
• Evaporated cane juice
• Fructose
• Fruit juice concentrates
• Glucose
• High-fructose corn syrup
• Honey
• Invert sugar
• Lactose
• Maltose
• Malt syrup
• Molasses
• Raw sugar
• Sucrose
• Sugar
• Syrup

Anything that ends in “ose” or “itol” is a sugar, too.

What other sugars have you found lurking in your food?

Bonus video: Stephen Colbert reacts to the news that we may be facing a sugar shortage.